Day 186 - Moderation thoughts, really?

Yes - I’ve been struggling lately. I have all kinds of strange moderation ideas hitting me in waves: could I drink once a year? Could I drink once a month? Twice a month when the kids are with their mother...
But then it hits me: I CAN drink whenever I want. I just choose not to. You see the distinction? This journey is MY choice, nobody forced me to stop drinking, I did it because I was tired of the anxiety and the feeling of not being in control. Now that I’ve achieved that and gotten rid of these things in my life it’s not really fair to change the perspective and only think about the good things with alcohol when it comes as a package and a package I don’t want.
And regarding my moderation thoughts: what’s the point really? Even if I could set up rules to adhere to it would lead to one of two scenarios: the first and most probable would be that I fail and would be back in this group feeling like shit. The second scenario is that I with enormous effort and willpower manage to follow my rules, whiteknuckling my everyday life. Even if alcohol wouldn’t kill me in that scenario, do I REALLY need to spend energy on THAT considering how the world is now? Hardly.
When it felt the hardest this afternoon I went out biking in the storm. It was probably stupid but it gave me the sense of “fuck it” that I missed. When I got back I took an AF beer and the hard thoughts dispersed.
Life is too fragile to be wasted on unnecessary fights, that includes fights with your loved ones, but also with alcohol. I don’t stop fighting alcohol by drinking, I stop fighting it by NOT drinking.
Thanks for listening. I’m feeling much better now!
Onwards and upwards, comrades!

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