Beyond the Struggle

I’ve started to think what to do after day 90 and been kind of divided the last week. One part of me just wants to stay AF and one part wants to try moderation every second week when I do not have the kids with me. I think this is a very natural conversation to have with yourself somewhere between day 30 and day 90. I’m starting to feel really good about myself. I pat myself on the back: “This wasn’t that hard - how bad can my relationship with alcohol be”? “If I end up feeling it’s out of control I just stop again”. “I’m in control. I just continue like this and add a tiny bit of alcohol every now and then - at special occasions”... But it’s not really ME patting myself on the back. The alcohol craving lizard fighting AF me is really insidious: when it has understood that it cannot get me to drink with bad emotions and cravings, it starts to use my good emotions and success against me instead. It flatters my capacity of staying away with “since you’re so good at this how bad ca...

Many of us wish we could moderate. Just be that casual drinker who would feel that two glasses were just perfect. I know that I could never be that person. Even after being AF for 56 days I do not long for two glasses - I long for at least two bottles. And that is my sober brain thinking. In my mind two glasses is totally pointless - like eating less than 3 pieces of cake when I was a kid. I guess I’m wired that way: all or nothing. That side of me gives me problem with alcohol but also gives me so much joy in other parts of life: it’s a blast falling in love being me. No moderation whatsoever  😊 . And to go to a party totally AF with total strangers. (I always bring my comfy slippers when I go to a party when people do not know each other - everyone thinks you’re the host since you look so much at home). I should acknowledge that this side of me is a great advantage when I’m AF and a real problem if I’m not. It’s not a side I would ever want to wish away and by not drinkin...

We’re told to set our goals - no matter how unachievable they are. That’s a good idea. Me as someone who has an innate ability to always feel good right where I am have always had a hard time finding the reason to accomplish my goals since I always find a way to feel good where I am anyhow. Especially for the materialistic goals - or the brain goals as I like to call them. This ability also applies to my emotional goals, or my heart goals, but with one big difference: I cannot neglect them all the time or my superpower of feeling good right where I am will lead me to despair. You can live without a nice car - but you cannot pretend that you live in a healthy relationship if you’re not. When I stopped drinking - this led to a smaller revelation to me: I’ve always been good at intellectually convince myself that my heart goals are fulfilled when they are not. My brain came up with all kinds of strange reasons why my heart was happy and alcohol helped me think that they were. The r...

When starting this journey we are asked to write a list of why we want to stop drinking alcohol. My brother, who is in deeper trouble than I've ever been is now trying to build a better future for himself. In therapy he was asked to fill in the "Ambivalence Cross". I've read numerous statements from people between day 30 and 90 that gets into a slump where everything feels boring and meaningless. A wise person here in the group said that maybe this is because one has focused a little bit too much on disadvantages in the why-list. Things to avoid instead of what to gain. After a while AF one forgets how bad these disadvantages were and the list shrinks to nothing. What I find interesting with the "Ambivalence Cross" is that you from the beginning look at your drinking from all angles and not only from the negative side. Instead of only focusing on why you shouldn't drink you go full circle and also state the advantages with continue drinking as wel...

One word for how I feel: alive. Alive and not numbed. Every feeling flows through me unfiltered. Some feelings are hard, some are good but none of them are bad. Feelings are there for a reason - and by not numbing them I have to tackle them head on. That can be hard sometimes- but the amount of work I have to put into dealing with them is much less compared to throwing alcohol, anxiety and remorse into the mix. Alive as in present. Life is here and now and by being present my experience of life gets clearer. It makes me a better person and father. The best gift you can give to your kids is being present - not only in the same room but also there with your mind. That I ever thought that I could be present with my children with alcohol in my body is beyond my understanding. Alcohol and kids is never a good mix - even for those who can moderate. It doesn’t add anything to your relationship with your children, only takes. Alive as in conscious. Aware that my life is the string of ...

I’m an elephant. I have the wisdom and strength to counter this. I would sneeze immensely if I tried to drink beer with that long trunk of mine and would spray it over some poor bush. Beer has nothing on elephants. Elephants laugh at beer cans. They stomp them with their big feet and laugh. I’m a polar bear. I have the patience and wits to survive in the harshest of conditions. I would rather walk 10 miles to a hole in the ice than drink a bottle of wine. I wouldn’t want to red stain my white fur and not remembering how. Wine would only make me do stupid things like rolling down a steep slope for laughs or fall asleep in a snowdrift in the middle of the night. Polar bears only use wine to trick other polar bears that a hole in the ice is a great spot to hunt seals. They would never think of drinking it. I’m an ant. I have the stubbornness and know that I cannot do this all alone. I will build the anthill, day by day, with the contribution of others. Drunk ants are of no use since ...

The newfound love of being alcohol free starts to fade. The body is free - but the mind starts to rebel. How bad can it be with just one? Every night starts to feel like the other with no “happy-button”, to make a dull night fun, that alcohol whispers in my ear it would be. And the massive darkness up in the Nordics this time of year doesn’t help at all. Between 30-90 the psychological game begins: if being AF for a month was easy - how much of a problem can I really have? Then I remind myself that I didn’t choose this path because my evenings were too fun - but my mornings were too lousy. I will prevail.