Beyond the Struggle

I’m building my sanctuary on four pillars: love, honesty, trust and consciousness. Love to my loved ones prevents me from making decisions that are bad for the people around me. Love to myself makes me proud of myself instead of feeling I’m missing out. The choice not to drink is an act of love and a tribute to my all-or-nothing personality and not a punishment, but a blessing. Honesty to my loved ones makes me accountable. Honesty to myself shows me the truth without resistance or anger: my life is the best without alcohol. If I stay honest to myself thoughts about moderation are held at bay because it’s only when I start lying to myself it actually can seem like a good idea to drink. Trust in myself and that nothing is irreparable. No matter what stupid things I’ve done in the past, I trust that all that matters is what I do now. Trust in myself gives me resolve to stick to my decision. Trust is what builds the snowball effect over time: the more days I rack up the more I trust in my...

I saw myself as invincible and free having the world at my feet. I could soar to the sky and never come down again just floating in the air and watching the world from above. I felt lighthearted, true and in touch with my feelings. I could laugh until it teared my eyes and my stomach hurt. It felt like a new world opened to me and I felt like coming home. Drinking alcohol in my youth was all of the above. Breaking the chains of childhood and exploring a new world. So many fond memories under the influence: kissing my first girlfriend and going on my first vacation with friends instead of my parents. And the backsides hadn’t started to show so everything associated with alcohol was just positive. Then they all came lurking slowly, slowly. Anxiety for getting more drunk than I’d planned. Remorse for saying stuff I didn’t mean. Apathy in my sofa the day after wondering what was wrong with me. And it got worse over the years until I just felt that it was not worth it anymore. One tough yea...

They say that a healthy relationship means that you choose your other half over and over again, an active choice that you want to make repeatedly, instead of a string of automated ones out of habit. I’ve heard that many times but today I think I penetrated what it really means.   I used to think that a healthy relationship would make me feel without effort and thus an active choice over and over again wouldn’t be needed. “Match made in heaven” meant that “we are such a great couple that my feelings will come automatically”.  Of course a healthy relationship makes it easier but the actual decision has to be active and not just something that happens. When I take the decision I have to evaluate what needs to be dealt with in order for me to pick my loved again. I’m cleaning house with what I want and what I need to improve, not only on our wedding day but over and over again. I can see my sobriety as a relationship as well. I pick sobriety continuously because I want to. If I st...

  ”And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight” - Chandelier, SIA Woke up early this morning and listened to this song and it actually teared my eyes. My tears came for my memories and all those still struggling, awake or asleep trying to break the vicious cycle. To stop drinking was to wake up from a bad dream to see the lies and unconscious decisions I was building my life upon. In order to start again I would need to turn it around and convince myself that my year without alcohol was the dream and a life with alcohol is the reality. I would have to weave a net of lies to create an alternative universe where it’s worth it to deliberately damage my body and my social connections. In order to get started with the lies I would have to convince myself it’s not that big of a deal if I just drink once. If i took one glass and it went fine I would think that I have pro...