Beyond the Struggle

Breath in.  I’ve come to think that the most wonderful thing of getting rid of burdening habits and alcohol abuse is the feeling of being inspired again. When the heavy, wet cloth of alcohol is removed, a new room for inspiring thoughts is created. And inspiration leads to life changes because when I allow myself to rest in that room, true life energy emerges in all kind of forms and shapes.  More inspired as a parent. Having an idea of what kind of relationship I want with my kids and having the energy to work to get it. It’s never easy to be a parent but I know that I have a way better shot at it without alcohol. More inspired in my professional life. With purpose I can decide what I want to achieve and get there thanks to my energy and momentum. Not only “end up” which unconscious decision making fueled by hangovers tend to render. More inspired in all other relations. I just do not end up with whoever wants to drink with me tonight. Instead I decide which people that give ...

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the “Karpman Drama triangle”. The theory is that we in all drama interact with others by moving around between the roles Persecutor, Victim or Rescuer until one of us changes to one of the positive counterparts of these roles instead. So instead of being a Persecutor, be a Challenger, instead of Rescuer be a Coach and instead of a Victim be a Survivor. The picture below explains the different roles and how to transition to the positive counterparts. This model is for interaction between different people but it hit me that it can be used for inner struggles with your alcohol you and yourself as well. You can be the Victim, Persecutor or the Rescuer when you hit a rough patch but you can also be your own Challenger, Survivor or Coach. Let me explain: It’s Saturday evening and you feel like drinking. You probably first end up in the Victim-role. “Poor me for not being able to drink. What an evil world that prevents me for doing the one thing I want to ...

Being and staying AF comes with a lot of accepting things as they are. It’s a marathon in acceptance.  In the beginning I had to acknowledge and accept that I had a problem with alcohol. Then I had to accept that it’s easier to remove it from my life altogether. And I had to accept that first it’s easier to stay sober with an end date but then it gets easier if I don’t have an end date. And then it gets easier again with an end date and I have to accept that I will probably alternate between having an end date and not have it. And that’s ok because whatever keeps my boat afloat. I have to accept that even if I have accepted the people around me might not have. And accept that some people around me never will accept that I don’t drink while others will accept it as the most natural thing in the world. By the way, the accepting people stay in my life, while the others don’t. And I have to accept that as well. The most recent thing for me to accept is that no matter how long I stay AF...

Closing in on the big 300 and looking back. It’s not so much what I’ve accomplished but the change of mindset that matters the most.  Early on baby steps. Each day felt like a win. Rush when I started to feel the upsides but also disappointment when not all good things happened at once. In the beginning when the sacrifice feels big, the expectations also get high. Alcohol is a quick fix, but stop drinking is not. It takes time for the body to clean out, but it’s worth the wait. About day 60. The first time I felt the switch. This is what I call when my focus switch from actively not drinking to feeling that my life gets enriched by staying sober. Instead of counting negatives I start counting positives. Every switch is preceded by a period of struggle: the closer to the switch I am the harder the struggle. And one day I just wake up and don’t feel the struggle but a relief instead. Day 100. Going public with my friends. Lots of good reactions from all around. Many cheering in publi...

For me the urge to drink often starts with self pity. An acute sensation that the world owes me something. Like I need to rectify something in my life or a quick-fix after being a bad parent. Maybe to soothe my nerves after a hectic day or to make me feel closer to that friend I haven’t met for half a year.  Of course alcohol does not help with any of that. Instead I feel like slapping myself in the face to wake up, grow up and own my shit. Grow up because the world does not owe me anything, and drinking will only send me into a spiral of even more self pity. Own my shit and grow up, because if I’ve done something wrong or been a bad parent alcohol will not mend anything but make it even worse. Much worse. Own my shit because instead of drinking I should do something about what stresses me out. If I use alcohol to push the stress away I will not do anything about it. And grow up because only a teenager really believes that alcohol will make me come closer to that friend I haven’t m...

Yes, some evenings I can be boring. I can sit there on my side of the table and just listen. I can let you take the social space and drive the conversations. When I speak I do it because I have something to say, not because I’m high on myself or want airtime. But just that I can sit there without saying anything for minutes feels strange to you. And a little bit boring. I might join you out on the balcony but I will not share that cigarette with you. I will not judge you either but the fact that I’m not even taking a sip annoys you. My jokes start to get over your head, you can’t follow when I’m referring to something you said earlier. Because you don’t remember what you said. I’m so boring that I might even do the dishes. You will thank me tomorrow but right now you just think it’s strange. Why do the dishes a Saturday evening? What a waste of booze time.  Some nights I will leave earlier than you want. That feels super boring, you’re standing there in the doorway begging me to st...

My decision to join OYNB came out of an awakening, an inner voice wanted something better for me and my life. I believe that inner voice arose from a consciousness deep within me. Regardless what I decide to do after the 365, consciousnesses is key: if I continue being AF, consciousness takes away the struggle. Whenever I want to drink I can inspect my motivations with an open, unclouded mind. If I ask myself the question: “Do you REALLY want to drink!” the answer has so far always been no. For the brave minds who consider moderation consciousness is even more important. What makes you slip back into old habits it’s not deliberate destructivity but that you let yourself fall asleep again and become unconscious. Some say that moderation is all about counting and sticking to rules but I think it is even more about not ever letting your guard down and start drinking unconsciously. I think moderation is possible if you stay conscious but I think it’s hard work. It’s all up to each and ever...

One thing that strikes me over and over again is the fragility of trust. It is so easy to destroy what that has taken ages to build up. The look of someone who’s trust I’ve  lost is also one of the most shameful images I can think of. The more times you let someone down the harder it will be to regain the trust and it is not with words but with consistent actions that you can win it back. To not drink is a operation manual in consistency: you both have to apply it but it will also be gained. To succeed with being AF you have to be consistent but by just being AF  it will be easier to be consistent in other areas of your life like training regimes, eating habits and sticking to what you have promised others. Slowly but steady I have regained my children’s trust, inch by inch day by day. And I have regained my own as well. To know that I can trust myself gives me a calmness and self respect way beyond the feeling of waking up without a hangover. It’s the first step stone for eve...

Today my fourteen year old daughter spoke to me about alcohol. She asked me how it feels to drink and how old I was when I drank the first time. I told her the truth, that I was the same age as she is now. I also told her that I think that was way to early and that she should wait to legal age eighteen. But also that if she ever ended up in a tight spot because of alcohol (or something else) that she should call me so that I can pick her up. Because sober parents can do that. It was a good discussion and it hit me how much simpler these discussions become when I’m not drinking myself. If I would still be drinking I would always face a pedagogical dilemma of “you mustn’t drink, but look at me drinking every weekend” or “it’s bad for you but good, sort of, for me”. Kids and teenagers have a very sensitive bullshit-o-meter and can smell double standards a long way. Because I’m not drinking anymore I can be totally transparent in my discussion with her but still be firm and coherent in my ...