Beyond the Struggle

Got rejected yesterday by someone I met right before Christmas. It always sucks. When I woke up this morning I felt much better. It’s like I always need one nights good sleep for a painful event to disperse. And a slogan was ringing in my head: “One nights sleep. Rinse and repeat!” It’s the oldest jungle wisdom out there: if life seems down today, go to sleep - it will feel better tomorrow. And what makes me sleep good? Being AF of course which in turn helps me to faster let the painful events in my life go, and move on. Not let anything linger and become imprints in me. Just let go. Alcohol does a lot of bad things to my health. But most importantly, it prevents me from functioning optimally on the psychological plane. It make me lie to myself, in order to stand horrible decisions I make intoxicated which in turn does not make me whole as a person and therefore prevents me from letting go of the bad things in life and just move on. Onwards and upwards, comrades! Just ke...

To those of you standing on that trampoline wondering if you’re going to dare to jump into that AF pool - just do it! I remember standing on the ledge followed by the absolute relief when I jumped. But it takes some time to fall - it is like slo-mo. On the way down you’re questioning all kinds of things like: “What if I all of a sudden realize that this is a mistake and that I haven’t got a problem with alcohol after all?!” Eeeeeeee (as in error-sound). Hello?! First of all you are here for a reason - you do not just stumble upon a AF-program  😊 . Secondly: If it is a mistake and you do not have a problem with alcohol at all it will be the BEST MISTAKE you’ll ever make. And finally : If you go all in - your life will get easier and unless you like life harder than it is chances are you will actually love it - mistake or not! Time to jump into this accountable, truthful and cozy pool that will make your life lighter and easier to handle. Onwards and upwards, comrades...

Life is a string of events - some mundane and some marvelous. Sometimes they seem to happen randomly and sometimes they seem predisposed. Sometimes completely random events carry a greater meaning which makes them feel predisposed. Historically I’ve had my experiences with alcohol. I’ve drunken more than I wanted in some parts of my life but have also been totally clear in others. My longest alcohol free period lasted eight years. Something in me has always held my promise to never let alcohol destroy my life - like an overarching pledge to me and my loved ones. This year with a divorce (even though being a very good one thanks to the wonderful Sara) has taken its toll. A number of random events formed something that felt predisposed. When being alone in the countryside for almost two weeks in the end of the summer I felt how the bad habits started coming back again. I guess the loneliness of the divorce and living without any external control came crashing down on me. It was not ...

When I was 14 my dad died. That was a hard blow. He was such a warm, loving and wise man who loved life. He only reached the age of 45 and with me almost at that age myself it hits me even harder how short his life actually was. Sorrow is a hard process but you learn to cope and accept. It comes in waves: the first few with horrendous force but as you ride each one they get more and more handleable. The turning point for me was when I many years later came to think if my dad and his death. Impactful as that event was for me - I couldn’t tell who I would’ve been without him dying. Even though his death was horrific at the time it had shaped me into the one I had become and since I loved that person I was not sure any longer if I would have wanted it NOT to happen. I wouldn’t have known who I would’ve been without him dying. Total acceptance entered my heart. This was an important lesson and has helped me through life. Being where I am with alcohol I can actually feel gratitude f...

Closing in on the 90th. The break points (28/90/365) are the most insidious because that’s when my “drunken me” starts paddling me on the back and whispers “You’ve been so good - you should be proud of yourself. Have a drink!” or “You have more than proved that this alcohol thing is not really a problem for you. If it gets a problem - just stop again. It wasn’t even hard for you”. The biggest trial for me is not the acute sensation that I have to drink. The more seductive voice is. Because some things are more boring without alcohol. I’m not saying that the fun part is weighing up the anxiety by any stretch - but still, more boring. And it is up to me to find other things in life that makes it more fun - but also accept that some things will be more boring. How I feel right now is that I want to stay AF but drink a few times a year. But then the thoughts start spinning: could I keep it to just a couple of times and if I would go down that route would it be like total binge the ...

To have problems with alcohol and deny it is like living in a bad relationship without doing anything about it. Both will make you come up with the strangest lies why you should continue on the path with blinders on. When me and my ex-wife went to counseling a little bit more than a year ago I remember the turning point. My ex-wife asked: “Give me one reason why you think we should try again”. I just sat there and couldn’t come up with an answer. That’s when you know it is over. It was like something hit me: I didn’t want to pretend anymore, I was tired of coming up with lies my heart didn’t believe in just because of fear, laziness or to preserve the status quo. I had the same revelation 70 days ago when I asked myself another question: “When was the last time you thought about alcohol without guilt?” It was totally silent in my hungover head. I sat there and meditated over the silence. The void of an answer is a powerful thing. I knew I had to do something and the force ...

Being true to the ones around you. Tell the people you love how it really is and how you feel. By doing that you will increase the quality of you relations because you show the real you without a fog of lies - small or big. We all like to tell the story about ourself - like we’re managing some kind of brand but we only show the truth to the ones nearest to us. Being true to yourself. This one should be easy - why should you lie or uphold a brand to yourself? It doesn’t make any sense and it will create a disconnect in you when you are creating the story about yourself which is not really you. If you’re not true to yourself - you will not be able to be true to your friends or family either. The disconnect will spread in all relations - starting from the relation with yourself. I’ve found that the biggest source if not being true to myself is alcohol. All the lies I’ve told myself and the story about my ability to handle alcohol I’ve created to calm myself when my true self has ...

This is not my first time around. At the year of 24 I started to feel that I couldn’t control my alcohol consumption. I called my uncle (who’s a sober alcoholic) and he said: Join AA! So I did. I was there a couple of times but felt my problems were not comparable to the older people sitting there who had destroyed everything. But I stayed AF one year on my own but decided that since “I could just stop” I could moderate. Fast forward to when I was 30. I was now a father of a little girl and my wife was out drinking wine with her friends and I had a party of my own while my daughter was sleeping (since I figured she wouldn’t be able to smell my breath). When my spouse came home she found me in a horrible state vomiting and full of regret. We had a serious crisis and she said that she would leave me if I didn’t sort it out. So I stopped drinking again - this time for good. My life got much easier since I removed the main thing that gave me anxiety in life. After 8 years, for reasons...