Beyond the Struggle

Got rejected yesterday by someone I met right before Christmas. It always sucks. When I woke up this morning I felt much better. It’s like I always need one nights good sleep for a painful event to disperse. And a slogan was ringing in my head: “One nights sleep. Rinse and repeat!” It’s the oldest jungle wisdom out there: if life seems down today, go to sleep - it will feel better tomorrow. And what makes me sleep good? Being AF of course which in turn helps me to faster let the painful events in my life go, and move on. Not let anything linger and become imprints in me. Just let go. Alcohol does a lot of bad things to my health. But most importantly, it prevents me from functioning optimally on the psychological plane. It make me lie to myself, in order to stand horrible decisions I make intoxicated which in turn does not make me whole as a person and therefore prevents me from letting go of the bad things in life and just move on. Onwards and upwards, comrades! Just ke...

To those of you standing on that trampoline wondering if you’re going to dare to jump into that AF pool - just do it! I remember standing on the ledge followed by the absolute relief when I jumped. But it takes some time to fall - it is like slo-mo. On the way down you’re questioning all kinds of things like: “What if I all of a sudden realize that this is a mistake and that I haven’t got a problem with alcohol after all?!” Eeeeeeee (as in error-sound). Hello?! First of all you are here for a reason - you do not just stumble upon a AF-program  😊 . Secondly: If it is a mistake and you do not have a problem with alcohol at all it will be the BEST MISTAKE you’ll ever make. And finally : If you go all in - your life will get easier and unless you like life harder than it is chances are you will actually love it - mistake or not! Time to jump into this accountable, truthful and cozy pool that will make your life lighter and easier to handle. Onwards and upwards, comrades...

Life is a string of events - some mundane and some marvelous. Sometimes they seem to happen randomly and sometimes they seem predisposed. Sometimes completely random events carry a greater meaning which makes them feel predisposed. Historically I’ve had my experiences with alcohol. I’ve drunken more than I wanted in some parts of my life but have also been totally clear in others. My longest alcohol free period lasted eight years. Something in me has always held my promise to never let alcohol destroy my life - like an overarching pledge to me and my loved ones. This year with a divorce (even though being a very good one thanks to the wonderful Sara) has taken its toll. A number of random events formed something that felt predisposed. When being alone in the countryside for almost two weeks in the end of the summer I felt how the bad habits started coming back again. I guess the loneliness of the divorce and living without any external control came crashing down on me. It was not ...

When I was 14 my dad died. That was a hard blow. He was such a warm, loving and wise man who loved life. He only reached the age of 45 and with me almost at that age myself it hits me even harder how short his life actually was. Sorrow is a hard process but you learn to cope and accept. It comes in waves: the first few with horrendous force but as you ride each one they get more and more handleable. The turning point for me was when I many years later came to think if my dad and his death. Impactful as that event was for me - I couldn’t tell who I would’ve been without him dying. Even though his death was horrific at the time it had shaped me into the one I had become and since I loved that person I was not sure any longer if I would have wanted it NOT to happen. I wouldn’t have known who I would’ve been without him dying. Total acceptance entered my heart. This was an important lesson and has helped me through life. Being where I am with alcohol I can actually feel gratitude f...

Closing in on the 90th. The break points (28/90/365) are the most insidious because that’s when my “drunken me” starts paddling me on the back and whispers “You’ve been so good - you should be proud of yourself. Have a drink!” or “You have more than proved that this alcohol thing is not really a problem for you. If it gets a problem - just stop again. It wasn’t even hard for you”. The biggest trial for me is not the acute sensation that I have to drink. The more seductive voice is. Because some things are more boring without alcohol. I’m not saying that the fun part is weighing up the anxiety by any stretch - but still, more boring. And it is up to me to find other things in life that makes it more fun - but also accept that some things will be more boring. How I feel right now is that I want to stay AF but drink a few times a year. But then the thoughts start spinning: could I keep it to just a couple of times and if I would go down that route would it be like total binge the ...

To have problems with alcohol and deny it is like living in a bad relationship without doing anything about it. Both will make you come up with the strangest lies why you should continue on the path with blinders on. When me and my ex-wife went to counseling a little bit more than a year ago I remember the turning point. My ex-wife asked: “Give me one reason why you think we should try again”. I just sat there and couldn’t come up with an answer. That’s when you know it is over. It was like something hit me: I didn’t want to pretend anymore, I was tired of coming up with lies my heart didn’t believe in just because of fear, laziness or to preserve the status quo. I had the same revelation 70 days ago when I asked myself another question: “When was the last time you thought about alcohol without guilt?” It was totally silent in my hungover head. I sat there and meditated over the silence. The void of an answer is a powerful thing. I knew I had to do something and the force ...

Being true to the ones around you. Tell the people you love how it really is and how you feel. By doing that you will increase the quality of you relations because you show the real you without a fog of lies - small or big. We all like to tell the story about ourself - like we’re managing some kind of brand but we only show the truth to the ones nearest to us. Being true to yourself. This one should be easy - why should you lie or uphold a brand to yourself? It doesn’t make any sense and it will create a disconnect in you when you are creating the story about yourself which is not really you. If you’re not true to yourself - you will not be able to be true to your friends or family either. The disconnect will spread in all relations - starting from the relation with yourself. I’ve found that the biggest source if not being true to myself is alcohol. All the lies I’ve told myself and the story about my ability to handle alcohol I’ve created to calm myself when my true self has ...

This is not my first time around. At the year of 24 I started to feel that I couldn’t control my alcohol consumption. I called my uncle (who’s a sober alcoholic) and he said: Join AA! So I did. I was there a couple of times but felt my problems were not comparable to the older people sitting there who had destroyed everything. But I stayed AF one year on my own but decided that since “I could just stop” I could moderate. Fast forward to when I was 30. I was now a father of a little girl and my wife was out drinking wine with her friends and I had a party of my own while my daughter was sleeping (since I figured she wouldn’t be able to smell my breath). When my spouse came home she found me in a horrible state vomiting and full of regret. We had a serious crisis and she said that she would leave me if I didn’t sort it out. So I stopped drinking again - this time for good. My life got much easier since I removed the main thing that gave me anxiety in life. After 8 years, for reasons...

I’ve started to think what to do after day 90 and been kind of divided the last week. One part of me just wants to stay AF and one part wants to try moderation every second week when I do not have the kids with me. I think this is a very natural conversation to have with yourself somewhere between day 30 and day 90. I’m starting to feel really good about myself. I pat myself on the back: “This wasn’t that hard - how bad can my relationship with alcohol be”? “If I end up feeling it’s out of control I just stop again”. “I’m in control. I just continue like this and add a tiny bit of alcohol every now and then - at special occasions”... But it’s not really ME patting myself on the back. The alcohol craving lizard fighting AF me is really insidious: when it has understood that it cannot get me to drink with bad emotions and cravings, it starts to use my good emotions and success against me instead. It flatters my capacity of staying away with “since you’re so good at this how bad ca...

Many of us wish we could moderate. Just be that casual drinker who would feel that two glasses were just perfect. I know that I could never be that person. Even after being AF for 56 days I do not long for two glasses - I long for at least two bottles. And that is my sober brain thinking. In my mind two glasses is totally pointless - like eating less than 3 pieces of cake when I was a kid. I guess I’m wired that way: all or nothing. That side of me gives me problem with alcohol but also gives me so much joy in other parts of life: it’s a blast falling in love being me. No moderation whatsoever  😊 . And to go to a party totally AF with total strangers. (I always bring my comfy slippers when I go to a party when people do not know each other - everyone thinks you’re the host since you look so much at home). I should acknowledge that this side of me is a great advantage when I’m AF and a real problem if I’m not. It’s not a side I would ever want to wish away and by not drinkin...

We’re told to set our goals - no matter how unachievable they are. That’s a good idea. Me as someone who has an innate ability to always feel good right where I am have always had a hard time finding the reason to accomplish my goals since I always find a way to feel good where I am anyhow. Especially for the materialistic goals - or the brain goals as I like to call them. This ability also applies to my emotional goals, or my heart goals, but with one big difference: I cannot neglect them all the time or my superpower of feeling good right where I am will lead me to despair. You can live without a nice car - but you cannot pretend that you live in a healthy relationship if you’re not. When I stopped drinking - this led to a smaller revelation to me: I’ve always been good at intellectually convince myself that my heart goals are fulfilled when they are not. My brain came up with all kinds of strange reasons why my heart was happy and alcohol helped me think that they were. The r...

When starting this journey we are asked to write a list of why we want to stop drinking alcohol. My brother, who is in deeper trouble than I've ever been is now trying to build a better future for himself. In therapy he was asked to fill in the "Ambivalence Cross". I've read numerous statements from people between day 30 and 90 that gets into a slump where everything feels boring and meaningless. A wise person here in the group said that maybe this is because one has focused a little bit too much on disadvantages in the why-list. Things to avoid instead of what to gain. After a while AF one forgets how bad these disadvantages were and the list shrinks to nothing. What I find interesting with the "Ambivalence Cross" is that you from the beginning look at your drinking from all angles and not only from the negative side. Instead of only focusing on why you shouldn't drink you go full circle and also state the advantages with continue drinking as wel...

One word for how I feel: alive. Alive and not numbed. Every feeling flows through me unfiltered. Some feelings are hard, some are good but none of them are bad. Feelings are there for a reason - and by not numbing them I have to tackle them head on. That can be hard sometimes- but the amount of work I have to put into dealing with them is much less compared to throwing alcohol, anxiety and remorse into the mix. Alive as in present. Life is here and now and by being present my experience of life gets clearer. It makes me a better person and father. The best gift you can give to your kids is being present - not only in the same room but also there with your mind. That I ever thought that I could be present with my children with alcohol in my body is beyond my understanding. Alcohol and kids is never a good mix - even for those who can moderate. It doesn’t add anything to your relationship with your children, only takes. Alive as in conscious. Aware that my life is the string of ...

I’m an elephant. I have the wisdom and strength to counter this. I would sneeze immensely if I tried to drink beer with that long trunk of mine and would spray it over some poor bush. Beer has nothing on elephants. Elephants laugh at beer cans. They stomp them with their big feet and laugh. I’m a polar bear. I have the patience and wits to survive in the harshest of conditions. I would rather walk 10 miles to a hole in the ice than drink a bottle of wine. I wouldn’t want to red stain my white fur and not remembering how. Wine would only make me do stupid things like rolling down a steep slope for laughs or fall asleep in a snowdrift in the middle of the night. Polar bears only use wine to trick other polar bears that a hole in the ice is a great spot to hunt seals. They would never think of drinking it. I’m an ant. I have the stubbornness and know that I cannot do this all alone. I will build the anthill, day by day, with the contribution of others. Drunk ants are of no use since ...

The newfound love of being alcohol free starts to fade. The body is free - but the mind starts to rebel. How bad can it be with just one? Every night starts to feel like the other with no “happy-button”, to make a dull night fun, that alcohol whispers in my ear it would be. And the massive darkness up in the Nordics this time of year doesn’t help at all. Between 30-90 the psychological game begins: if being AF for a month was easy - how much of a problem can I really have? Then I remind myself that I didn’t choose this path because my evenings were too fun - but my mornings were too lousy. I will prevail.

I see a theme with how spouses to people with alcohol problems handle the situation. There are all kinds - some are very supportive no matter total disasters or minor blips in otherwise rather successful AF periods. Some others seem to be of a controlling type trying to force their significant other into staying away from alcohol. Or maybe threat to leave for years in a row. I think the most important thing here is that everyone is responsible for their actions. Our spouse can choose to leave us if we do not sort out our problem with alcohol. And we can choose to quit drinking and by that maybe prevent that from happening. Our spouse can not force us to stop drinking as little as we can force him or her to stay if we continue seeking the solution in the bottom of the bottle. You can only be responsible for the 50% of a relationship that is you. It’s actually that simple.