Beyond the Struggle

I can still remember the feeling so vividly after the first mouthful when the wolf inside of me awakes. It just says “click” and from that moment on my focus shifts to just drink. I don’t like to take one or two glasses, it’s completely pointless: alcohol for me is not a specific amount, it’s a process of getting more and more continuously. I can’t really appreciate the alcohol I’ve already consumed, it’s the next drink and the next drink and the next drink that I feel. Even if I feel that I’m drunk it’s the “one more” that gives me satisfaction. And the next day I promise to never drink again. Depending on the hangover, I might pause to the next day (if I’m disciplined) or to 16:00 the same day if I’m not. Most of my energy is wasted on being hungover, planning when I can drink the next time or sitting in the sofa feeling bad about myself. That used to be my life, that is what I don’t want anything to do with. Instead I’m sitting here on my balcony listening to the birds singing and w...

I’ve come to place in my journey where I feel that I repeat myself. My life is simple but very much the same day after day. I use the same strategies (which have worked so far) to abstain. And I wake up being able to do the same things more or less everyday. Then it hits me that had I been drinking I would also repeat myself,  but with negative thoughts and actions. Repeated evenings starting “with just one” and mornings wondering why I yet again let myself down. My life now is only repetitive if I look at it from an alcoholic’s perspective: being clearheaded every evening of the week and waking up being able to do what I set out to do is not repeating myself, it is motivation and perseverance. And if I find something tiring and repetitive I just do something else. Compare this to having the same hangxiety every morning with desperate motivation but no success in breaking the cycle. I might repeat myself but I do it because I want to and not because I happen to. That’s a...

I’m starting to see the light in a longer tunnel I’ve been in. It’s been a lot of thoughts about me moderating lately. They always start with my brain thinking about rules that I could use to be able to moderate: never drink when I have the kids with me, never more than two days a week, not stronger stuff than wine, etc etc etc. Then I stop in my tracks: I do recognize this. Setting up rules (which I’ve always broken) I have done before. Not only does it make me tired to come up with them, it’s also very tiring to try to live by them should I try.  I think I know what is happening: my AF life gives me so so much superfluous energy that I try to find ways to find new challenges that will make my life much harder and more draining. The thing is that I know where that road pretending I can moderate ends: I will stand exactly at the same spot where I started my journey feeling anxious and sorry for myself. I can choose to continue repeating the cycle or I can continu...