Beyond the Struggle

I’m building my sanctuary on four pillars: love, honesty, trust and consciousness. Love to my loved ones prevents me from making decisions that are bad for the people around me. Love to myself makes me proud of myself instead of feeling I’m missing out. The choice not to drink is an act of love and a tribute to my all-or-nothing personality and not a punishment, but a blessing. Honesty to my loved ones makes me accountable. Honesty to myself shows me the truth without resistance or anger: my life is the best without alcohol. If I stay honest to myself thoughts about moderation are held at bay because it’s only when I start lying to myself it actually can seem like a good idea to drink. Trust in myself and that nothing is irreparable. No matter what stupid things I’ve done in the past, I trust that all that matters is what I do now. Trust in myself gives me resolve to stick to my decision. Trust is what builds the snowball effect over time: the more days I rack up the more I trust in my...

I saw myself as invincible and free having the world at my feet. I could soar to the sky and never come down again just floating in the air and watching the world from above. I felt lighthearted, true and in touch with my feelings. I could laugh until it teared my eyes and my stomach hurt. It felt like a new world opened to me and I felt like coming home. Drinking alcohol in my youth was all of the above. Breaking the chains of childhood and exploring a new world. So many fond memories under the influence: kissing my first girlfriend and going on my first vacation with friends instead of my parents. And the backsides hadn’t started to show so everything associated with alcohol was just positive. Then they all came lurking slowly, slowly. Anxiety for getting more drunk than I’d planned. Remorse for saying stuff I didn’t mean. Apathy in my sofa the day after wondering what was wrong with me. And it got worse over the years until I just felt that it was not worth it anymore. One tough yea...

They say that a healthy relationship means that you choose your other half over and over again, an active choice that you want to make repeatedly, instead of a string of automated ones out of habit. I’ve heard that many times but today I think I penetrated what it really means.   I used to think that a healthy relationship would make me feel without effort and thus an active choice over and over again wouldn’t be needed. “Match made in heaven” meant that “we are such a great couple that my feelings will come automatically”.  Of course a healthy relationship makes it easier but the actual decision has to be active and not just something that happens. When I take the decision I have to evaluate what needs to be dealt with in order for me to pick my loved again. I’m cleaning house with what I want and what I need to improve, not only on our wedding day but over and over again. I can see my sobriety as a relationship as well. I pick sobriety continuously because I want to. If I st...

  ”And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight” - Chandelier, SIA Woke up early this morning and listened to this song and it actually teared my eyes. My tears came for my memories and all those still struggling, awake or asleep trying to break the vicious cycle. To stop drinking was to wake up from a bad dream to see the lies and unconscious decisions I was building my life upon. In order to start again I would need to turn it around and convince myself that my year without alcohol was the dream and a life with alcohol is the reality. I would have to weave a net of lies to create an alternative universe where it’s worth it to deliberately damage my body and my social connections. In order to get started with the lies I would have to convince myself it’s not that big of a deal if I just drink once. If i took one glass and it went fine I would think that I have pro...

I’ve made it. Today marks the year since I stopped drinking. It’s been a wonderful and a tough year. I love the AF life, it has shown me the best version of myself. At the same time my brother’s death has been immensely tough. But instead of giving up I chose to see that as a test, that I didn’t fail, which I’m really proud of today. The tougher it is to not drink, the better it will feel afterwards if you prevail. This year has shown me things in my life on which I would like to improve. Being AF is like waking up and seeing life for what it is and makes it impossible to neglect the things that’s annoying or in need of improvement. It has also restored my pure feeling of self worth which is incompatible with status quo and neglect. And good things start growing when I remove old energy thieves. It’s like throwing a heap of rocks out of the balloon: remove the root of energy waste and you surge to the sky! One of my most useful insight has been “the switch” which is what I call the mom...

Social media gives you the impression that you’re on top of what’s happening. That’s an illusion. What you perceive as the state of the world is in fact a tornado of egos amplified by marketing algorithms. These algorithms don’t care about the truth or your well being but only that you continue using their services.   Social connections are very important to us, and of course social media has given us opportunities to keep contact with people we wouldn’t have had contact with otherwise. As a big phone book Facebook is tremendous. But part of the concept is also that you don’t really choose which people you keep contact with. That is done by the algorithms. Facebook is very good at letting you know a little bit too much about people you don’t care enough about to give a call. It’s in our DNA to be rewarded for social connections. In the tribal era connections were a guarantee that you wouldn’t get excluded or killed.    That’s why social media in a way is the perfect ...

My alcohol free year is coming to and end. It has been a both a wonderful and a horrible year. One of the reasons I stopped drinking was to be able to help my brother. His death didn’t make me question my decision, on the contrary it has felt good to deal with the pain head on, but I sometimes wonder if I could’ve done more. I know I couldn’t. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. You’re the only one with the key to your own addiction. Others can be there and show the way but you’re the one that has to walk through the door. One thing this alcohol free year has taught me is that addiction thrives in the vacuum that comes from unconscious decisions. For me it’s always been the glass here and there I took without thinking about it that’s been the biggest problem. All the glasses that “just happened”. All the gym classes I skipped because I had drunk. I didn’t consciously decide not to go the gym, I just let that happen by drinking too much the day before. And I have to a...

Every emotion has its counterpart. We have to have been bored to have fun. We have to have felt calmness to be excited and we have to experience true love to feel heart breaking sorrow. We mourn because we have loved and we dared to love because the one we loved was worth losing. Don’t judge the decisions you made then, with the knowledge you have now. Alcohol made my life harder but I didn’t know to what extent then. I don’t want any of my years with alcohol undone because they all form the fundament of my alcohol free self today. You can not be alcohol free if you haven’t had alcohol, because you can not free yourself from nothing. And just like emotions has their counterparts, so does actions I’ve done before and after I stopped drinking. My energetic drunken me then mirrors itself in the calm alcohol free me now. And that person blaming my faults on others to avoid dealing with alcohol has a lighter twin who instead takes the blame where it’s due and helps others. It takes one to k...

We all know our whys not to drink. We repeat them whenever we feel tempted. I should not drink because this and that. I think that whys are really helpful but I’ve come to think of another set of whys which I think are more important in the long run. We all know why we shouldn’t drink but do we know why we drank too much in the first place? I think that addiction points to a question waiting to be asked. A question we don’t want to answer because it would force us to do changes to our lives we’re not ready to do. For me that questing is: “Do I want to pursue a different career?”.   For someone else it might be: “Am I happy in my relationship?”  or  “Why does it feel safer for me to fail than to succeed?”. To avoid answering the hard questions I ask myself harmless questions with answers not forcing me to do anything, really: “What will make me happy?” “What are my life goals?” “How should I find my true love?” I’m not saying it’s not important to think these things throug...

We are all warriors. We have good days, bad days, we slip, but we get up on our feet again. We stay accountable and continue to rock this journey. Together. Something has been bugging me, though. Even if I’m immensely proud of not have drunk for almost a year there is a pattern I can’t deny: I replace one addiction with another. The replacement might not be as bad but still. It’s like I’m not getting to the bottom of my brains constant desires, like I have an addiction snake inside of me waiting to lash out. To my defense I have both gotten rid of alcohol and nicotine this year but boy have I eaten sugar instead. Cookies, candy, soda and ice cream every day, most days several times. And now that I cut down on sugar I eat peanuts instead. Loads of them. And I know it’s fine as long as I stay away from alcohol. But it still annoys me. The same goes with Facebook. Have not felt this addicted in a long while. Way too often I find myself mindlessly scrolling waiting for something to happen....

There is really no difference between addictions whether it is weed, alcohol or some other drug. It's all about getting the brain used to abnormal levels of endorphins and dopamine. Getting the brain used to shots of endorphins that desensitize the system so that we need more and more to feel the same high. You don't know you're addicted until you try to stop and it can be hard to face the first time. So hard that you even don't want to face it and you need to reset. For every reset you take a small step until you get it: you have to shift focus of being tired of drinking to being tired of trying not to. When you're tired of trying, you don't want to reset anymore. As always there are withdrawal symptoms before the brain starts getting back at normal levels. The beauty with the brain is its ability to mend itself. It's not a coincidence that a lot of addiction programs start with 90 days since that's is the amount of time it takes for most brains to ge...

We want a handshake But have to distance We want a hug But have to distance A pat on the back But have to distance A sincere high five But still, the distance   We want live music But have to distance Or sing together But have to distance Or a theater play But have to distance Experience together But still, the distance   We want to be social But have to distance Or look in the eyes But have to distance Share a moment together But have to distance To just feel human But still, the distance

Drinking alcohol repeatedly over time is for a large portion of the population a bad idea. It’s a floating scale but way more people that consider they have a problem have it. I read somewhere that everyone eventually will drink unhealthy, the question is just how long it takes to gradually raise the bar to an unhealthy level. For some people it might take 150 years so they won’t notice before dying of something else but when we start to fiddle with our natural endorphins and dopamine levels we will degrade if ever so slowly. I would say it’s a collective , cognitive dissonance that alcohol is such a big part of our culture. Even though most people know it’s bad for them, no one really wants to know EXACTLY how bad it is. We avoid articles describing the long term effects of alcohol. We don’t want to talk about it. We come up with strange reasons why statistics does not apply to us specifically. We even blatantly conclude that we really don’t want to know the truth. But the dissonance ...

  I consider myself a fairly rational person. It runs in my family to to let intellect go before emotions. I’ve been accused for not being in contact with my emotions but I’ve worked pretty hard through the years to find a balance. Emotions are there for a reason and should not be neglected. I went to a psychologist the other day and he said something that stayed with me: emotions are there to motivate an action. Happiness is there for you to relax, sorrow to motivate a needed let go and goodbye and anxiety is there to make you take control over whatever gives you anxiety. None of the emotions are “bad”, but to not take the actions they’re pointing at, is. We’re all here because alcohol has given us anxiety somehow. To get rid of the anxiety we take control. By taking on a challenge and holding ourselves accountable to a group we increase our chances of success. Some people are here to never drink again, some to change their relationship with alcohol but we’re all here to take cont...

 You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Common Swedish expression even though I’ve seen it in English  meaning that you try to combine two things that are mutually exclusive. When we express why we shouldn’t drink it’s pretty obvious. We know that drinking never will make problems go away and that you never regret not drinking the day after. On the sober side we know that alcohol takes more that it gives and will lead us down a path of anxiety and remorse. But that is not the discussion I’m having in my mind. It’s not whether “should I destroy my life by drinking or should I not”. Of course I don’t want to destroy my life for alcohol! Why would I? The discussion is much more subtle: my addiction brain starts telling me that I can have both my sober life and drink every once in a while. Like having my cake while eating it too. And if I try to counter those arguments with a too big hammer like “Nooo, you will DIE!” the addiction brain just says: “Don’t be ridiculous. No one is...

 To handle loss is an integral part of life but still it’s something that never gets easier. Loss when someone dies, loss when a relationship comes to an end or loss of a role or identity when kids grow older. When someone gets taken away it seems like it’s that person that I’m missing. But then I start to feel that it’s not only just the person, but two more things: how that person makes me and a third person between me and the other which is the relationship itself unique for every combination of people. To handle the loss of the third person, the mix of me and the missing person, I find the hardest. I deal with that with memories, thinking back to moments or episodes but over time these fade away. I think that the process of grief is to incorporate that third person into yourself so that when you’re done grieving you do not know who you would be without losing that person. One day you wake up and can’t see the alternative when you hadn’t lost the loved one. When I stopped drinki...

 I could’ve had a number of reasons why I stopped drinking: work related, anxiety or my kids. These are all important but they are not the main reason but pointers to the real reasons: restoring my trust, belief and love to myself. Once I got that sorted the other things will come by themselves because I am restoring the fundament on which I’m standing. Work related problems gets fairly easy to solve: either I get my shit together and work with purpose with what I have or I get the energy to switch position or occupation to something I like. Trust, belief and love to myself makes it so much easier to see and to do something about it. I almost do not need to explain how much easier anxiety is to handle when I get my trust, belief and love to myself restored. At first it might go up since I need to see everything for what it is and deal with it, but then it will certainly go down since I won’t add any more unnecessary anxiety, just process what I’ve got. My kids may be my whys but fo...

  We can be aware of what alcohol does and we can be unaware. If we’re unaware we will drink without thinking about it, just like we did when we were young and hadn’t faced the negative sides of alcohol. When we start see what alcohol does to us we might become aware and once we get aware the addiction brain needs to come up with tricks to make us drink even though we’re aware that alcohol actually will not add anything. The addiction brain is always in the future or in the past but never in the present. It thinks about glorified, cherry-picked memories of us drinking alcohol in the sun or with a special friend. It thinks about how fun it will be to drink tomorrow, or next week. It plans ahead so that we buy alcohol to have at home so we’re sure it will not run out. It promises that a party next week will be awesome since we’re going to drink with our friends. Addiction brain will think about the party days ahead to get us unaware on the night of the party so that we will drink. An...

We all have our inner dialogues with our addiction brain. Part of being AF longer is that I get better and better at detecting when it’s the addiction brain trying to convince me. How do I know my addiction brain is talking? The sentences come out of negative feelings with the core message: “I’m not enough” Why can’t I? - I’m not enough!  I need a drink for me to be fulfilled! - I’m not enough. They will think I’m boring if I don’t drink. - I’m not enough. When my sober brain is talking the sentences come out of positive feelings with the opposite message “I’m enough!” Why should I? - I’m enough. I’m good, alcohol will not make me better. - I’m enough. It doesn’t really matter if a couple of drunk heads think I’m boring, does it? - I’m enough. But when I’ve mastered this, my addiction brain will try a new trick: instead of sounding like it speaks from negative feelings that “I’m not enough” it starts to use a more positive sounding disguise:  Why shouldn’t I? I’ve proven mysel...

 My little brother stayed with me in June and we had a wonderful time. We finished the game “The Last of Is part II” and loved it. We didn’t know that soon after his life would end but we both had an acute feeling that we needed to finish the game before he went back to our parents. We played several nights in a row despite his head and eyes hurting. The starting screen of the game depicts a boat in fog, lost and lonely until you finish the game when it changes to a picture of the same boat on a sunny shore, like it has found its way home. Now things turned out the way they did and my little brother’s PlayStation has ended up here at my place, in his grey, rugged cotton bag.  I’ve had a hard time to pull myself together and pick it up since it will be hard to go through his save games to see which games he was playing and how far he had come. Still, I know I have to, since I would like to complete the games he did not have time to finish. Yesterday I picked it up anyway and re...

  I see you.  Three words of endless beauty if said by someone who means it. When sincerely spoken it is one of the most beautiful things one can say to another being. I see you. I love you. To be seen for who you are. To be acknowledged for what you feel. To be carried when you being vulnerable. To be hold when feeling lonely. And be unconditionally loved when seen for who you are. I see me. This love can be turned towards myself as well. I see myself for who I am. I acknowledge my feelings and take them seriously. I carry myself or dare to ask for help if I’m feeling vulnerable. I hold my heart with careful hands and reach out when feeling lonely. I see me. When intoxicated by alcohol I couldn’t see myself but a faint projection. A dancing shadow always fading when I needed myself the most. An uninspired version of myself with less energy and low self esteem. Even if I could see me I didn’t like what I saw, so instead I chose not to. And I couldn’t truly love myself. I see m...

Breath in.  I’ve come to think that the most wonderful thing of getting rid of burdening habits and alcohol abuse is the feeling of being inspired again. When the heavy, wet cloth of alcohol is removed, a new room for inspiring thoughts is created. And inspiration leads to life changes because when I allow myself to rest in that room, true life energy emerges in all kind of forms and shapes.  More inspired as a parent. Having an idea of what kind of relationship I want with my kids and having the energy to work to get it. It’s never easy to be a parent but I know that I have a way better shot at it without alcohol. More inspired in my professional life. With purpose I can decide what I want to achieve and get there thanks to my energy and momentum. Not only “end up” which unconscious decision making fueled by hangovers tend to render. More inspired in all other relations. I just do not end up with whoever wants to drink with me tonight. Instead I decide which people that give ...

I don’t know if you’re familiar with the “Karpman Drama triangle”. The theory is that we in all drama interact with others by moving around between the roles Persecutor, Victim or Rescuer until one of us changes to one of the positive counterparts of these roles instead. So instead of being a Persecutor, be a Challenger, instead of Rescuer be a Coach and instead of a Victim be a Survivor. The picture below explains the different roles and how to transition to the positive counterparts. This model is for interaction between different people but it hit me that it can be used for inner struggles with your alcohol you and yourself as well. You can be the Victim, Persecutor or the Rescuer when you hit a rough patch but you can also be your own Challenger, Survivor or Coach. Let me explain: It’s Saturday evening and you feel like drinking. You probably first end up in the Victim-role. “Poor me for not being able to drink. What an evil world that prevents me for doing the one thing I want to ...

Being and staying AF comes with a lot of accepting things as they are. It’s a marathon in acceptance.  In the beginning I had to acknowledge and accept that I had a problem with alcohol. Then I had to accept that it’s easier to remove it from my life altogether. And I had to accept that first it’s easier to stay sober with an end date but then it gets easier if I don’t have an end date. And then it gets easier again with an end date and I have to accept that I will probably alternate between having an end date and not have it. And that’s ok because whatever keeps my boat afloat. I have to accept that even if I have accepted the people around me might not have. And accept that some people around me never will accept that I don’t drink while others will accept it as the most natural thing in the world. By the way, the accepting people stay in my life, while the others don’t. And I have to accept that as well. The most recent thing for me to accept is that no matter how long I stay AF...

Closing in on the big 300 and looking back. It’s not so much what I’ve accomplished but the change of mindset that matters the most.  Early on baby steps. Each day felt like a win. Rush when I started to feel the upsides but also disappointment when not all good things happened at once. In the beginning when the sacrifice feels big, the expectations also get high. Alcohol is a quick fix, but stop drinking is not. It takes time for the body to clean out, but it’s worth the wait. About day 60. The first time I felt the switch. This is what I call when my focus switch from actively not drinking to feeling that my life gets enriched by staying sober. Instead of counting negatives I start counting positives. Every switch is preceded by a period of struggle: the closer to the switch I am the harder the struggle. And one day I just wake up and don’t feel the struggle but a relief instead. Day 100. Going public with my friends. Lots of good reactions from all around. Many cheering in publi...

For me the urge to drink often starts with self pity. An acute sensation that the world owes me something. Like I need to rectify something in my life or a quick-fix after being a bad parent. Maybe to soothe my nerves after a hectic day or to make me feel closer to that friend I haven’t met for half a year.  Of course alcohol does not help with any of that. Instead I feel like slapping myself in the face to wake up, grow up and own my shit. Grow up because the world does not owe me anything, and drinking will only send me into a spiral of even more self pity. Own my shit and grow up, because if I’ve done something wrong or been a bad parent alcohol will not mend anything but make it even worse. Much worse. Own my shit because instead of drinking I should do something about what stresses me out. If I use alcohol to push the stress away I will not do anything about it. And grow up because only a teenager really believes that alcohol will make me come closer to that friend I haven’t m...

Yes, some evenings I can be boring. I can sit there on my side of the table and just listen. I can let you take the social space and drive the conversations. When I speak I do it because I have something to say, not because I’m high on myself or want airtime. But just that I can sit there without saying anything for minutes feels strange to you. And a little bit boring. I might join you out on the balcony but I will not share that cigarette with you. I will not judge you either but the fact that I’m not even taking a sip annoys you. My jokes start to get over your head, you can’t follow when I’m referring to something you said earlier. Because you don’t remember what you said. I’m so boring that I might even do the dishes. You will thank me tomorrow but right now you just think it’s strange. Why do the dishes a Saturday evening? What a waste of booze time.  Some nights I will leave earlier than you want. That feels super boring, you’re standing there in the doorway begging me to st...

My decision to join OYNB came out of an awakening, an inner voice wanted something better for me and my life. I believe that inner voice arose from a consciousness deep within me. Regardless what I decide to do after the 365, consciousnesses is key: if I continue being AF, consciousness takes away the struggle. Whenever I want to drink I can inspect my motivations with an open, unclouded mind. If I ask myself the question: “Do you REALLY want to drink!” the answer has so far always been no. For the brave minds who consider moderation consciousness is even more important. What makes you slip back into old habits it’s not deliberate destructivity but that you let yourself fall asleep again and become unconscious. Some say that moderation is all about counting and sticking to rules but I think it is even more about not ever letting your guard down and start drinking unconsciously. I think moderation is possible if you stay conscious but I think it’s hard work. It’s all up to each and ever...

One thing that strikes me over and over again is the fragility of trust. It is so easy to destroy what that has taken ages to build up. The look of someone who’s trust I’ve  lost is also one of the most shameful images I can think of. The more times you let someone down the harder it will be to regain the trust and it is not with words but with consistent actions that you can win it back. To not drink is a operation manual in consistency: you both have to apply it but it will also be gained. To succeed with being AF you have to be consistent but by just being AF  it will be easier to be consistent in other areas of your life like training regimes, eating habits and sticking to what you have promised others. Slowly but steady I have regained my children’s trust, inch by inch day by day. And I have regained my own as well. To know that I can trust myself gives me a calmness and self respect way beyond the feeling of waking up without a hangover. It’s the first step stone for eve...

Today my fourteen year old daughter spoke to me about alcohol. She asked me how it feels to drink and how old I was when I drank the first time. I told her the truth, that I was the same age as she is now. I also told her that I think that was way to early and that she should wait to legal age eighteen. But also that if she ever ended up in a tight spot because of alcohol (or something else) that she should call me so that I can pick her up. Because sober parents can do that. It was a good discussion and it hit me how much simpler these discussions become when I’m not drinking myself. If I would still be drinking I would always face a pedagogical dilemma of “you mustn’t drink, but look at me drinking every weekend” or “it’s bad for you but good, sort of, for me”. Kids and teenagers have a very sensitive bullshit-o-meter and can smell double standards a long way. Because I’m not drinking anymore I can be totally transparent in my discussion with her but still be firm and coherent in my ...

Alcohol is the master of making you stop caring about what is important in life and instead make you focus on what is completely unimportant. Forget my family for a night out with a complete stranger. No problem. Miss an important meeting because of a hangover? Super easy! Neglect my body which does its best to help me being healthy? Absolutely! The big question is why I would decide to live my life half the man instead of fully aware and alive? The question is impossible to answer because there an error in it: there is no active decision made. I just let it happen. By acknowledging I didn’t DECIDE to ruin my life it got way easier for me to forgive, stop feeling sorry for myself and focus on the task at hand: to not drink.  The beauty of it is that it goes both ways: as much as drinking makes me focus on the wrong things, being AF makes make me focus on the right. Which is why so many things just has clicked and fallen in place since I stopped drinking. Onwards and upwards!

In my dream you took my hand and led me into the little park with the one hundred year old labyrinth. We sat down on a bench and you looked me in the eyes: “Will you stay with me?” “Yes.”, I answered. “Then show it to me.” I saw a tear rolling down your chin and I instinctively dried it with my shirt. “No!” Do not dry my tears! As long as you keep forgetting me I will continue crying.” You pointed at the entrance of the labyrinth. “Go in there and come out with the blue flower growing in the core. And remember that whenever you do not know the way, choose what is right.” “How do I know what is right?” “As long as you focus on the crossroad at hand, you will know which turn to take”. I woke up alone in my bed. The November rain was tapping on my windowsill. I had lost you once again. I never got you the blue flower, because at every fork I forgot to focus on where I was, always ahead in the future. I knew in my heart that alcohol made me forget about here and now and you and still I con...

Us humans like shortcuts. We like to go from A to B the shortest possible way. We love to read books that helps us to realize things about life without the need to think it up all by ourselves. And we build robots that does the work for us. One could say that laziness is a hidden driving factor to a lot of our development. We do this even without thinking about it, like a subconscious process to optimize our well being. When I try to explain why I let alcohol get to me the way it did for as long as it did it all comes down to this: I subconsciously chose alcohol as a shortcut to happiness. I didn’t decide to do it, I just let it happen over and over again. And I chose to neglect how much of a lie it is. Alcohol is no shortcut to happiness, because happiness you haven’t earned you loan from the future until you have run out of it. And at that point alcohol will instead be the express highway to anxiety. I now feel that I’ve earned every piece of happiness that I feel. I can choose to fe...

I’ve got two voices in my head: Why and Why-not. Why-not is strong with me and has given me lots of unexpected joy in life: spontaneous lunch with a dear friend I bumped into or living in South Africa for half a year. But during my drinking days Why-not also got me into lots of embarrassing situations and poor Why mostly was associated with bad conscience the day after. I hated Why when I was drunk and romanticized Why-not: ”You only regret what you didn’t do”, which is such bullshit for someone who more than once ended up in situations I deeply regretted.  Why always became the embarrassing afterthought of the stupid situations Why-not got me into. Now that I don’t drink Why and Why-not are in balance. Why-not comes from an unclouded heart and gives me lot of joy without guilt. And I’m starting to love Why: it listens to my inner needs, does not take any bullshit and makes me listen to my heart no matter what. If I decide to do something I know that I want to do it and will not ha...