Day 61: That's alcohol whispering

I’ve started to think what to do after day 90 and been kind of divided the last week. One part of me just wants to stay AF and one part wants to try moderation every second week when I do not have the kids with me.
I think this is a very natural conversation to have with yourself somewhere between day 30 and day 90. I’m starting to feel really good about myself. I pat myself on the back: “This wasn’t that hard - how bad can my relationship with alcohol be”?
“If I end up feeling it’s out of control I just stop again”.
“I’m in control. I just continue like this and add a tiny bit of alcohol every now and then - at special occasions”...
But it’s not really ME patting myself on the back. The alcohol craving lizard fighting AF me is really insidious: when it has understood that it cannot get me to drink with bad emotions and cravings, it starts to use my good emotions and success against me instead. It flatters my capacity of staying away with “since you’re so good at this how bad can it be”.
But this is the point: if I’m so good at it and it makes me feel so much better - why should I not continue doing it? If the amount of anxiety I feel for not drinking is minuscule compared to the anxiety I feel if I do - why should I even ponder to do it? If the only thing that makes me not reach my full potential is something I can choose not to drink - why on earth would that be an alternative? It doesn’t make any sense.
I will not start drinking again after day 90. I will stay close to the group and read your wonderful posts. I will give myself the best conditions to be the best me going into year 2020. Onwards, upwards comrades!

Comments

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