Day 40: Alive

One word for how I feel: alive.
Alive and not numbed. Every feeling flows through me unfiltered. Some feelings are hard, some are good but none of them are bad. Feelings are there for a reason - and by not numbing them I have to tackle them head on. That can be hard sometimes- but the amount of work I have to put into dealing with them is much less compared to throwing alcohol, anxiety and remorse into the mix.
Alive as in present. Life is here and now and by being present my experience of life gets clearer. It makes me a better person and father. The best gift you can give to your kids is being present - not only in the same room but also there with your mind. That I ever thought that I could be present with my children with alcohol in my body is beyond my understanding. Alcohol and kids is never a good mix - even for those who can moderate. It doesn’t add anything to your relationship with your children, only takes.
Alive as in conscious. Aware that my life is the string of events happening after one another and that I by conscious decisions can change the course of that string of events. One conscious decision leads to another, because it is hard to build an unconscious decision on top of a conscious one. The opposite is true as well. The most obvious unconscious decision I’ve taken was to drink alcohol - which led to a string of other unconscious decisions which eventually removed me from the helm of my own life.
I’m back at the helm. Bring it on, life!

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