Day 385 - Coming full circle

I saw myself as invincible and free having the world at my feet. I could soar to the sky and never come down again just floating in the air and watching the world from above. I felt lighthearted, true and in touch with my feelings. I could laugh until it teared my eyes and my stomach hurt. It felt like a new world opened to me and I felt like coming home.


Drinking alcohol in my youth was all of the above. Breaking the chains of childhood and exploring a new world. So many fond memories under the influence: kissing my first girlfriend and going on my first vacation with friends instead of my parents. And the backsides hadn’t started to show so everything associated with alcohol was just positive.


Then they all came lurking slowly, slowly. Anxiety for getting more drunk than I’d planned. Remorse for saying stuff I didn’t mean. Apathy in my sofa the day after wondering what was wrong with me. And it got worse over the years until I just felt that it was not worth it anymore.


One tough year without alcohol but now it feels I’m coming full circle. Instead of alcohol giving me wings it’s my sobriety. When the chains are shattered and my soul is not burdened by anxiety I feel all those feelings I felt the first time I drank. I feel invincible and free having the world at my feet. And it feels like I’ve come home, but this time home is a sanctuary within my self and not some alcohol induced illusion of the same.


True happiness is a slowly burning triple and not a raging fire. It took me almost half a life to understand that but I’m grateful I did.

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