Day 369 Awake or asleep


 ”And I'm holding on for dear life, won't look down won't open my eyes

Keep my glass full until morning light, 'cause I'm just holding on for tonight” - Chandelier, SIA


Woke up early this morning and listened to this song and it actually teared my eyes. My tears came for my memories and all those still struggling, awake or asleep trying to break the vicious cycle.


To stop drinking was to wake up from a bad dream to see the lies and unconscious decisions I was building my life upon. In order to start again I would need to turn it around and convince myself that my year without alcohol was the dream and a life with alcohol is the reality. I would have to weave a net of lies to create an alternative universe where it’s worth it to deliberately damage my body and my social connections.


In order to get started with the lies I would have to convince myself it’s not that big of a deal if I just drink once. If i took one glass and it went fine I would think that I have proven to myself that I can handle it now. It  would also open the floodgates to thoughts about moderation and to deal with those thoughts I would have to come up with more lies. Those lies would tell me it’s not that big of a deal if a drink once in a while. I would be drinking more and more if ever so slowly to not trigger any alarms but the increase would be real.


When people would ask me: “So you’re drinking now? I thought you had stopped” I would have to say something convincing about my changed relationship with alcohol. I know they would believe me because people believe what they want to believe. By sharing the lies I would invite others into my dream that alcohol is not actually that big of a deal.


How do I know this? Because I’ve walked this path before: I was AF eight years before I started again and what I’ve just described is not how I think it would be but the actual turn of events that happened. 


I can see this so clearly now: the reality is me sober, and the dream is me drinking. Not the other way around. The path to the other side starts with one little lie: “One glass won’t hurt nobody”.


It would hurt me. I won’t do it. I want to stay awake. 

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