Day 85: Loving what brought me here


When I was 14 my dad died. That was a hard blow. He was such a warm, loving and wise man who loved life. He only reached the age of 45 and with me almost at that age myself it hits me even harder how short his life actually was.
Sorrow is a hard process but you learn to cope and accept. It comes in waves: the first few with horrendous force but as you ride each one they get more and more handleable. The turning point for me was when I many years later came to think if my dad and his death. Impactful as that event was for me - I couldn’t tell who I would’ve been without him dying. Even though his death was horrific at the time it had shaped me into the one I had become and since I loved that person I was not sure any longer if I would have wanted it NOT to happen. I wouldn’t have known who I would’ve been without him dying. Total acceptance entered my heart.
This was an important lesson and has helped me through life. Being where I am with alcohol I can actually feel gratitude for not being able to cope with it since it has given me so much insights about myself once I stopped lying to myself. I have bounced a few times between drinking and not drinking and every time I have gone AF it has given me so many clues about how the most inner parts of me work. By grabbing the opportunity to study myself at deeper level it has made me who I am - and the one I love.
Of course the same goes for my divorce. It has brought me so many insights that I wouldn’t have gotten without it . I can choose not to focus on the pain and instead see all the love me and my ex-wife put in, all these years, trying to make something impossible to work. Even though we failed with saving our marriage we succeeded with something even more beautiful: to love each other as friends and co-parents.
All the events, even the ones that seem bad at first, has brought me to this point in life. And I absolutely love it.
That is going to be my thought of gratitude this Christmas.
Onwards and upwards, comrades! I love you all!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 96: Rant on moderation

Image
Photo: Karin Arver The ONLY people that can moderate are the ones who don’t like alcohol that much to begin with. You know the kind of people that don’t like to get tipsy and that forget that they have a bottle of wine at home. We are here because we have proven that we like it too much. We love the buzz and don’t forget that we have alcohol at home. On the contrary we make sure that it’s always around. Taking a break does not magically rewire your brain to not like alcohol - it just shows you that you don’t really need it. If you start again the pattern will come back. I KNOW it’s a scary thought but things gets so much easier if you just accept that you do not really need alcohol in your life. Over and out!
Read more

Day 160: Alcohol the energy waster

Image
Alcohol is supposed to bring us joy in life. But it is actually just a big energy waster. When thinking of it nowadays I just get tired. These are things that I actually wasted time and energy on when drinking: 1) Bad sleep and hangovers. Duh. Many days wasted. 2) Planning how to buy alcohol and get in into the house without anyone noticing the amounts. 3) Getting all the empty bottles OUT of the house without anyone noticing. 4) Excusing why it was not that bad last night to be able to stand my behavior. 5) Practice the quick "inhale"-kiss, on the back of my hand,  so that my partner wouldn't notice my breath. 6) Doing loud and unnecessary household work to mask when I was opening another beer. 7) Planning where to put different, identical, glasses so that I could fill them up independently to make it harder to track how many I've had. 8) Texting people to convince them it's a good idea to go out on a Tuesday. 9) Having the same conversations over and ...
Read more

Day 165 - Breaking the breakout

Image
Sometimes we get reminded that the world is a scary place even if our societies and institutions usually does a good job hiding that from us. The threat of an invisible virus really gets to me, with this creepy feeling that I need to watch where I touch and who I go near. I'm not really scared that the virus will affect my health that much but I'm thinking about the mayhem at the hospitals that probably is about to break loose in a couple of weeks. And I'm thinking about my parents and other elderly that I hope will not catch it or catch it when there are resources at the hospitals. I've sent my parents to the countryside to live there for a while. And my ex-wife is home coughing, after treating someone who had been in Italy,  so I will have the kids at my place for a while. Every party, concert or other event the coming month is cancelled. I've stashed up with food in the fridge and the freezer and I'm gonna be home with the kids this weekend, play games and ...
Read more