Day 85: Going Public

Life is a string of events - some mundane and some marvelous. Sometimes they seem to happen randomly and sometimes they seem predisposed. Sometimes completely random events carry a greater meaning which makes them feel predisposed.
Historically I’ve had my experiences with alcohol. I’ve drunken more than I wanted in some parts of my life but have also been totally clear in others. My longest alcohol free period lasted eight years. Something in me has always held my promise to never let alcohol destroy my life - like an overarching pledge to me and my loved ones.
This year with a divorce (even though being a very good one thanks to the wonderful Sara) has taken its toll. A number of random events formed something that felt predisposed. When being alone in the countryside for almost two weeks in the end of the summer I felt how the bad habits started coming back again. I guess the loneliness of the divorce and living without any external control came crashing down on me. It was not that I got totally wasted - I just felt how my thinking and drinking patterns changed: I was planning and trying to make promises to drink less “tomorrow” which I couldn’t hold.
A couple of weeks later I woke up and asked myself a simple question: “When was the last time you thought about alcohol without any guilt?”. I just sat there in silence and in the silence was the answer. The string of random events had led up to this predisposed one: me asking an honest question that I couldn’t answer.
So I stopped - and can happily say that I haven’t had any alcohol for 84 days now. And I feel great. I don’t think about drinking at all right now. It’s like replacing all micro decisions whether to drink this or that or when with one big one: I don’t. A lot of thinking bandwidth that can be used on more productive things.
I do not know about the future. Right now I’m happy with not drinking and have no plans to do it any time soon. Maybe I will not drink again - maybe I will. That is not important. The important thing is my overarching decision to not let alcohol destroy my life or my relationship with my loved ones. That, of course, will be way easier if I don’t drink. I have this mental image of me making a speech at my daughter’s graduation reception and that she will only look at me with love without any worries or anxiety in her eyes. That’s the image that I never will let alcohol destroy. Because I deserve a life way better than that. And so do my daughters.
Time for some homemade kombucha! Merry Christmas y’all! ðŸ˜Š

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