Day 68: All or nothing

This is not my first time around. At the year of 24 I started to feel that I couldn’t control my alcohol consumption. I called my uncle (who’s a sober alcoholic) and he said: Join AA! So I did. I was there a couple of times but felt my problems were not comparable to the older people sitting there who had destroyed everything. But I stayed AF one year on my own but decided that since “I could just stop” I could moderate.
Fast forward to when I was 30. I was now a father of a little girl and my wife was out drinking wine with her friends and I had a party of my own while my daughter was sleeping (since I figured she wouldn’t be able to smell my breath). When my spouse came home she found me in a horrible state vomiting and full of regret. We had a serious crisis and she said that she would leave me if I didn’t sort it out. So I stopped drinking again - this time for good. My life got much easier since I removed the main thing that gave me anxiety in life.
After 8 years, for reasons I’m having hard to explain now, I started drinking again. First just a glass here and there. No hard liquor - only wine and beer. I told myself that hard liquor was the problem because it historically had sent me into really viscous party spirals. My former wife also had forgotten the horror she felt when coming home and finding me in that state and longed for having a glass of wine with me every now and then.
Fast forward a couple of years to December one year ago and me and my wife got separated and then divorced. Even though I’ve kept sober January and sober September through these years I found my drinking spiraling again, especially the weeks when I didn’t have the kids. This summer I was alone for 2 weeks at the countryside and boy did I drink.
So right now I’m at day 68. What I’ve found is that the longer I’ve stayed AF, the longer I SEEM to be able to moderate, but eventually I will end up where I started no matter how long I’ve been off the booze. That’s just how these things work. Either you’re wired “all-or-nothing” or you’re not. I’ve started to appreciate my all-or-nothing-side as it gives me so much joy in other areas of life. That side is the worst when I’m drinking and the best when I’m not.
Now time for a morning jog. Onwards and upwards, comrades!

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