Day 256 - Painting with one color


She looked at me with disappointment. It was obvious that I had lied again. I hadn’t gone home when I should and I hadn’t drunk as few beers as I’d said. To top it the hangover shame-train now ran me over. I couldn’t stand myself right now and the fact that I would never be able to hold my promises when it came to alcohol. But what made it way harder was that I continued doing it nevertheless.

Alcohol opened up a door to a parallel universe. In the beginning that universe seemed like a blessing, like a place I could go when my everyday life felt dull or uninspiring. I loved that I had a choice to switch track making my regular life feel better. But as these things go I found out that I didn’t really have a choice and that my regular life was not enriched but drained of energy and happiness. What I never could piece together was how I could love who I became while drinking but hate the same person looking back the next day. If the whole point of drinking is to lose myself why would I feel so much guilt and shame when I managed to do just that?

None of that bullshit anymore. I thought that alcohol added something, but it’s not until I stopped drinking I found out that it added things I didn’t need and took things that I actually needed. I though I needed alcohol to stand my everyday life when it turned out that alcohol was what made it dull in the first place. It’s like trying to paint a colorful painting with just one color and wonder why it gets boring. 

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