Day 328 - Loss of drunken me

 To handle loss is an integral part of life but still it’s something that never gets easier. Loss when someone dies, loss when a relationship comes to an end or loss of a role or identity when kids grow older.


When someone gets taken away it seems like it’s that person that I’m missing. But then I start to feel that it’s not only just the person, but two more things: how that person makes me and a third person between me and the other which is the relationship itself unique for every combination of people.


To handle the loss of the third person, the mix of me and the missing person, I find the hardest. I deal with that with memories, thinking back to moments or episodes but over time these fade away. I think that the process of grief is to incorporate that third person into yourself so that when you’re done grieving you do not know who you would be without losing that person. One day you wake up and can’t see the alternative when you hadn’t lost the loved one.


When I stopped drinking I gained a new me with all good things that came with that. But I also lost someone, the drinking me. This person made a lot of trouble but there where moments of drunken me that I actually miss. I wouldn’t be here if the scale didn’t lean towards the positive side of being AF but I think it’s important to acknowledge the positive sides of drunken me to identify what I actually miss, let go instead of pushing away and look at that third person which symbolizes my relationship with alcohol.


If I instead of resisting, takes a calm farewell of drunken me, I will be able to incorporate that person, just as I would with a grieving process, and come out on the other side without any “what ifs” but instead a calm feeling that I like who I have become. And I will not think about what my life would be like if I still drank because I simply wouldn’t know who I would be hadn’t I stopped.

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