Day 331 - Having the cake and eat it

 You can’t have your cake and eat it too. Common Swedish expression even though I’ve seen it in English  meaning that you try to combine two things that are mutually exclusive.


When we express why we shouldn’t drink it’s pretty obvious. We know that drinking never will make problems go away and that you never regret not drinking the day after. On the sober side we know that alcohol takes more that it gives and will lead us down a path of anxiety and remorse.


But that is not the discussion I’m having in my mind. It’s not whether “should I destroy my life by drinking or should I not”. Of course I don’t want to destroy my life for alcohol! Why would I?


The discussion is much more subtle: my addiction brain starts telling me that I can have both my sober life and drink every once in a while. Like having my cake while eating it too. And if I try to counter those arguments with a too big hammer like “Nooo, you will DIE!” the addiction brain just says: “Don’t be ridiculous. No one is dying. Just stop again if it goes south!”


My point is: I think it’s important to never get stuck in a too black or white view over what alcohol does to us and to always go back to the little questions and paint small: if I feel like drinking in one moment I ask myself “why” and I listen to the answer. I don’t go “YOU CAN’T, YOU CAN’T, YOU CAN’T...” or it will only be worse. I invite the thought of drinking and acknowledge how nice it would be in this particular moment to drink but then I gently think about how much better I’m feeling now not drinking. I let the urge come and leave my heart with love instead of with a struggle.


I can’t have my cake and eat it too. I have too choose, but I need to choose from love of myself and not forced canned responses.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 96: Rant on moderation

Image
Photo: Karin Arver The ONLY people that can moderate are the ones who don’t like alcohol that much to begin with. You know the kind of people that don’t like to get tipsy and that forget that they have a bottle of wine at home. We are here because we have proven that we like it too much. We love the buzz and don’t forget that we have alcohol at home. On the contrary we make sure that it’s always around. Taking a break does not magically rewire your brain to not like alcohol - it just shows you that you don’t really need it. If you start again the pattern will come back. I KNOW it’s a scary thought but things gets so much easier if you just accept that you do not really need alcohol in your life. Over and out!
Read more

Day 160: Alcohol the energy waster

Image
Alcohol is supposed to bring us joy in life. But it is actually just a big energy waster. When thinking of it nowadays I just get tired. These are things that I actually wasted time and energy on when drinking: 1) Bad sleep and hangovers. Duh. Many days wasted. 2) Planning how to buy alcohol and get in into the house without anyone noticing the amounts. 3) Getting all the empty bottles OUT of the house without anyone noticing. 4) Excusing why it was not that bad last night to be able to stand my behavior. 5) Practice the quick "inhale"-kiss, on the back of my hand,  so that my partner wouldn't notice my breath. 6) Doing loud and unnecessary household work to mask when I was opening another beer. 7) Planning where to put different, identical, glasses so that I could fill them up independently to make it harder to track how many I've had. 8) Texting people to convince them it's a good idea to go out on a Tuesday. 9) Having the same conversations over and ...
Read more

Day 165 - Breaking the breakout

Image
Sometimes we get reminded that the world is a scary place even if our societies and institutions usually does a good job hiding that from us. The threat of an invisible virus really gets to me, with this creepy feeling that I need to watch where I touch and who I go near. I'm not really scared that the virus will affect my health that much but I'm thinking about the mayhem at the hospitals that probably is about to break loose in a couple of weeks. And I'm thinking about my parents and other elderly that I hope will not catch it or catch it when there are resources at the hospitals. I've sent my parents to the countryside to live there for a while. And my ex-wife is home coughing, after treating someone who had been in Italy,  so I will have the kids at my place for a while. Every party, concert or other event the coming month is cancelled. I've stashed up with food in the fridge and the freezer and I'm gonna be home with the kids this weekend, play games and ...
Read more