Day 296 - Almost 300

Closing in on the big 300 and looking back. It’s not so much what I’ve accomplished but the change of mindset that matters the most. 

Early on baby steps. Each day felt like a win. Rush when I started to feel the upsides but also disappointment when not all good things happened at once. In the beginning when the sacrifice feels big, the expectations also get high. Alcohol is a quick fix, but stop drinking is not. It takes time for the body to clean out, but it’s worth the wait.

About day 60. The first time I felt the switch. This is what I call when my focus switch from actively not drinking to feeling that my life gets enriched by staying sober. Instead of counting negatives I start counting positives. Every switch is preceded by a period of struggle: the closer to the switch I am the harder the struggle. And one day I just wake up and don’t feel the struggle but a relief instead.

Day 100. Going public with my friends. Lots of good reactions from all around. Many cheering in public but some also contacting me secretly to share how they felt about alcohol and asking for advice.

Day 200. Time for another big switch time preceded by struggle where my brain started to attack me on a different level. Even though I had the methods to stay sober, my alcohol brain made me annoyed  at that I was so enlightened and awake that I couldn’t drink. Like a little four year old getting angry at his parent for not getting an ice-cream, just the same way my alcohol brain was angry at my new self that wouldn’t budge and start drinking. That struggle was followed by a great switch with relief when my alcohol brain gave up.

I’m just so happy for have given myself the opportunity to explore myself in the way I’ve been able to, being AF. The biggest accomplishment has not being the days I’ve racked up but the inner journey which I also have had the luxury to share with others.

That’s the real gift to myself and what I will meditate over tonight.

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