Day 355 Consciousness


My alcohol free year is coming to and end. It has been a both a wonderful and a horrible year. One of the reasons I stopped drinking was to be able to help my brother. His death didn’t make me question my decision, on the contrary it has felt good to deal with the pain head on, but I sometimes wonder if I could’ve done more.

I know I couldn’t. You can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped. You’re the only one with the key to your own addiction. Others can be there and show the way but you’re the one that has to walk through the door.

One thing this alcohol free year has taught me is that addiction thrives in the vacuum that comes from unconscious decisions. For me it’s always been the glass here and there I took without thinking about it that’s been the biggest problem. All the glasses that “just happened”. All the gym classes I skipped because I had drunk. I didn’t consciously decide not to go the gym, I just let that happen by drinking too much the day before.

And I have to admit that the same goes for me and social media: it’s all the times I pick up the phone without even thinking why it becomes problematic. Not when I sit down on a beforehand decided time to catch up.

So for me it’s all about never letting the guard down for unconscious decisions, would it be alcohol, candy or social media. If a decide to take a candy bar it should be my brain that decides to do it, not my hand that just happens to pick it up and puts it in my mouth.

I’ve decided I need a break from Facebook  so you won’t see me around there. I will keep posting here on my blog, though. If I decide to take a conscious glass of beer I will let you know even though I find it unlikely that I will. My conscious mind can’t see the point. 

Instead of unconscious vacuum I will continue to fill my life with conscious decisions, purpose and direction. I’m worth nothing less.

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