Day 128 - Last time i failed

Back home again in Stockholm. Who knew that going for a work trip to another country would be such a trigger... Well - I knew. I REALLY knew. One of the first times when I just let everything go after being sober for 8 years was when I was away in Finland in 2016. Alone at the hotel. No friends to meet up with. Just me and 5 hours to kill. I had drunken one time before at a restaurant but that was with my wife, kind of supervised. And only one glass of wine and one beer.
I was at this restaurant in Helsinki and had just finished my Coke. Something just flew threw my mind: what if I should order a beer instead? The thought was only possible because I had had wine with my wife the month before. I could never had done that it if I hadn’t had those glasses with her. The abstinence spell was already broken. Now, alone at that restaurant, it was like the monster awoke in me and I just heard myself order the largest beer they had. And I drank it. Fast. I ordered another one and necked that one two.
Now I was on a roll and continued to a bar for some drinks. I had this feeling of doing something really stupid but something my body had longed for so long. I don’t really remember how the evening ended.
The next morning was horrific. The first hangover in 8 years is not a nice one. The anxiety and the feeling of having broken something within me: trust and pride. I wondered how that could have happened and decided not to tell my wife.
Back to now. When I was triggered on this trip I had something more than I had there in Finland. I could obviously lie to my wife about alcohol but I would never be able to lie to you. And I do not want to let you guys down. I feel that what I do matters to you and therefore it matters to me even more. It’s like I’m connected with this invisible bond that I do not want to break. I’m so grateful for having you through this rough patch. You’re the best!
Onward and upwards, comrades!

I wrote a post that more generally described why i started drinking again here.

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