Day 133. Who would I be with alcohol?


Like i described in an earlier post I lost my father when I was fourteen which has given me some experience of loss. Sorrow is a painful process and it takes time but I got through it step by step. About five years after he died I woke up with a question in my head: “Who would I be if my father was still alive?”. I didn’t know the answer to the question but I knew that I was done grieving. Even if the event as such was traumatic I couldn’t deny I liked where it had taken me and I wouldn’t want to be without the experience and life events the death of my father had brought me. I wouldn’t know who I was without him dying. Quite a flash of insight.
Every now and then I grieve that I can not drink but those episodes are, thank God, way shorter than five years. More like flashes of nice memories of me drinking. But if I think a little harder the memories of stupid things I’ve done and horrible mornings are way stronger.
And the question “Who would I be with alcohol” is fairly easy to answer. I would be a worse dad, less healthy, more impatient, more angry and with anxiety every day. When I penetrate that question there is actually nothing to grieve going AF. Because there is nothing to miss if I consider the whole package alcohol comes with.
But if I ever got the idea to drink again I know that I would miss and grieve my alcohol free me. Because the life I’m living now, is truly awesome! ðŸ˜‰
Onward and upwards, comrades!

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