Day 145 - Enough.



When did I know that I had enough? What woke me up? What little voice in me told me that I would be better off without alcohol?
We all have different journeys and different standards. I don’t think there is an absolute measure for what is enough. Me understanding that I had problems with alcohol was not so much about the exact quantities. My strongest warning sign was when I started lying about it. How much, how often and why. Not only to the people around me but especially to myself. “It wasn’t that bad yesterday, there where other people that were way worse, it was totally worth it.”
The race towards the bottom starts slow: little bit further down every week. And on the way down I slowly lowered my standards to stand my own behavior. My awakening came when I found that I was deteriorating faster than I could lower my standards. Something in me told saw that the mental image of myself did not match the one I was manifesting in the real world. That realization can be pretty tough - I’m that kind of person I never thought I would be when I envisioned my future self when I was twenty.
There are a number of things that I’ve done under the influence of alcohol that I’m not proud of. The paradox is that things I’ve forced myself to do, in order to break free, are the ones that I’m the most proud of. It’s like I’m using all that negative energy alcohol has given me and converted it into positive energy. I’m some kind of fusion reactor with untapped potential now being released.
Onward and upwards, comrades!

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