Day 158: A joke I know the punchline to

Today was a wonderful spring day here in Stockholm. The first spring day, also being a Friday, is very connected to drinking beer for me. Trigger, trigger. But whenever I feel like drinking, instead of pushing the thoughts away, I go through the whole process IF I would drink. Because resisting thoughts make them stronger and unbearable where instead inviting and accepting them make them go away. I’ve written about why fighting thoughts is counterproductive  here.

The first beer would probably feel weird. I would not be able to think about anything else than that I would have to post to the blog and tell you guys I’ve failed. I would probably need to drink at least two more real quick to suppress that bad conscience and forget how lousy I would feel the next day writing that post.

After three beers I would be in the mood for some drinks. I would probably harass some friend to come out and join me in a bar somewhere. Since all my friends know that I do not drink anymore I would probably have to come up with the strangest story about why I’ve broken my AF streak. That would probably be so hard that I would have to go home and drink by myself in front of the telly instead and  well, we all know where that ends. Don’t get me started on the next morning with horrific pain, dry mouth and anxiety. Oh yes! Oh no!

Being AF makes it impossible for me to lie to myself anymore. When I think the whole evening through it does not seem like a good idea anymore to have that beer. Something inside of me almost gets mad at me because I can not trick myself anymore. Like alcohol is a joke I used to laugh at all the time, but that I don’t find funny anymore because I know the punchline.

But the biggest part of me is grateful that I just by going through the string of events one beer in the sun would lead to can avoid me breaking my 158 days streak. That makes me proud of myself and that’s a way more fulfilling feeling than being drunk at a bar.

Onward and upwards, comrades!

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