Day 180: The cycle of acceptance

To choose not to drink has so far for me been a decision that needs to be taken over and over again. I’m not saying that I fight everyday, I have long periods when I don’t think about alcohol at all. But lately I have been thinking more about it.

It’s like my brain is following a cyclic transition of states:
proud non-drinker,
overly self confident,
grieving non-drinker,
acceptance
and back again to
proud non-drinker to start the cycle again.

My hardest triggers are always when I’m in the grieving period right before I once again accept that I can’t drink. That’s when I feel pity for myself and come up with the strangest ideas of why the decision not to drink is not really necessary for me. These lies are hatched in the overly self confident period, the longer I’m there the more lies I will pile up. And the longer I’m in the acceptance and proud non-drinker periods, the easier it will be for me to look through these lies.

So, in order to be in my good space AF feeling, I must prolong the acceptance and the proud non-drinker states. The beauty with acceptance is that if I practice being present and accepting what is I can stay in that state for some time before moving to the next state.

So - I have to foster my acceptance. For me that is done with practicing being present, physical activity and connection.

And when I, at the deepest level  can accept that I can’t drink, I will break this cycle of states and will not have to deal with the grief at all. That’s my end goal.

Onward and upwards, comrades!

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