Day 162 - Hope or control?

Hope. Such a wonderful thing, like a small silver bell in the wind when times are hard. Like a core inside of me that tells me that everything will be ok. It’s like hope is the manifestation of positivity.

Hope is a beautiful thing, but it can also preserve the status quo. For a long time I hoped that I wouldn’t need to deal with alcohol and just continue drinking. I hoped that my behavior would be forgiven by my children. I hoped that I would be one of these people whose health would not be that affected. And I hoped that I would not make a fool of myself at the next party. Like I thought that hope would save me from the inevitable truth that alcohol was the only real threat to me living a good life.

Then I understood that the opposite of hope was not negativity but CONTROL. All this hoping was to handle my lack thereof. My addict brain would say that control is something boring but now on the other side it is anything but boring. Control is about setting out for an adventure knowing where I want and getting there without being thrown off track by alcohol all the time. Insurmountable obstacles suddenly seem doable and I have control over who I am and what I do with my life.

I do not need to hope anymore. I KNOW that I will be able to do what I set out to do. What a relief.

Onward and upwards, comrades!

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