Day 163 - The truth

I was AF for eight years and started drinking again. How did that happen? My last AF period started pretty dramatically. I was home alone with my two year old daughter and got so drunk that when my wife came home I had to throw up.

For me that event was a wake-up call. It was almost like I'd met Jesus or something, I was shining of confidence because I knew that I could never drink again. I also knew that if I ever broke my vow to my wife she would leave me. As a fairly new father it became part of the parenting role not to drink so these eight years actually passed by rather easily. I just didn't drink.

After eight years I started again. Why? I had one truth and one lie. The truth was that I couldn't drink. The lie was that "I couldn't drink under certain CIRCUMSTANCES". See what I did? Just added a few words and all of a sudden I could come up with a plethora of other lies convincing me that my problem with alcohol actually was not that bad.

When I stopped this time it was not a single dramatic event like last time. It was more a number of smaller events that together just gave me a lot of anxiety. And it became obvious that the only reason I felt bad was alcohol. It gets easier if I believe that "I can't drink" because all the doubt just vanishes when I truly believe that thought.

I can't drink. I do not fell scared saying that no more. If I just remember not to add the words "under certain circumstances" I will be fine.

Onward and upwards, comrades!

I've written more how I was thinking when I started drinking again here and here.

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