Day 107: The day I woke up

The day I woke up I saw that I couldn’t do this anymore. I saw that if I continued on the current path it would lead me to misery. It would lead me to a place of anxiety and remorse and something inside of me asked me to stop lying to myself.
The day I woke up I saw that I couldn’t do this and still say that I was ready to do everything for my children because what I was doing was taking away parts of me that I wanted to give them. I was at the crossroads with me in one direction and the shadow of me in the other. I couldn’t pick the road with the shadow and still say that I would do everything for my kids because they deserve a father and not the shadow of one.
The day I woke up I saw that everything is connected. I can not look away from my problems with alcohol and live a life based on truth because when I lie to myself I will start lying to the people around me. It would build a cobweb of lies so intricate I would believe them myself. Truth can only be built upon truth. The day I woke up I saw the impossibility in lying about alcohol and still be true to myself.
I woke up. And I thank the day I did.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Day 96: Rant on moderation

Image
Photo: Karin Arver The ONLY people that can moderate are the ones who don’t like alcohol that much to begin with. You know the kind of people that don’t like to get tipsy and that forget that they have a bottle of wine at home. We are here because we have proven that we like it too much. We love the buzz and don’t forget that we have alcohol at home. On the contrary we make sure that it’s always around. Taking a break does not magically rewire your brain to not like alcohol - it just shows you that you don’t really need it. If you start again the pattern will come back. I KNOW it’s a scary thought but things gets so much easier if you just accept that you do not really need alcohol in your life. Over and out!
Read more

Day 160: Alcohol the energy waster

Image
Alcohol is supposed to bring us joy in life. But it is actually just a big energy waster. When thinking of it nowadays I just get tired. These are things that I actually wasted time and energy on when drinking: 1) Bad sleep and hangovers. Duh. Many days wasted. 2) Planning how to buy alcohol and get in into the house without anyone noticing the amounts. 3) Getting all the empty bottles OUT of the house without anyone noticing. 4) Excusing why it was not that bad last night to be able to stand my behavior. 5) Practice the quick "inhale"-kiss, on the back of my hand,  so that my partner wouldn't notice my breath. 6) Doing loud and unnecessary household work to mask when I was opening another beer. 7) Planning where to put different, identical, glasses so that I could fill them up independently to make it harder to track how many I've had. 8) Texting people to convince them it's a good idea to go out on a Tuesday. 9) Having the same conversations over and ...
Read more

Day 165 - Breaking the breakout

Image
Sometimes we get reminded that the world is a scary place even if our societies and institutions usually does a good job hiding that from us. The threat of an invisible virus really gets to me, with this creepy feeling that I need to watch where I touch and who I go near. I'm not really scared that the virus will affect my health that much but I'm thinking about the mayhem at the hospitals that probably is about to break loose in a couple of weeks. And I'm thinking about my parents and other elderly that I hope will not catch it or catch it when there are resources at the hospitals. I've sent my parents to the countryside to live there for a while. And my ex-wife is home coughing, after treating someone who had been in Italy,  so I will have the kids at my place for a while. Every party, concert or other event the coming month is cancelled. I've stashed up with food in the fridge and the freezer and I'm gonna be home with the kids this weekend, play games and ...
Read more