Day 121: To dwell or not to dwell

We are told to not dwell on the past and look forward. But I think dwelling has its place because it can make me appreciate what I’ve actually achieved. And thinking about tough memories related to alcohol can force me to let go and help me forgive myself.
I’m letting go of the hard memories of me being too drunk when I was out with my friends. I forgive myself for coming home in the middle of the night having stolen something just because my drunk brain thought it was fun. Something I the next day had to return in shame.
I’m letting go of the memories of me quarreling with my ex over something stupid because alcohol made me more on edge. I forgive myself for not being the best husband I could because of alcohol. For not seeing her and appreciating her. I also forgive myself for not understanding that in time. Everything has its process and I was not ready with my process back then. I will never judge my actions then with the experience I have now - even if the memory hurts.
I’m letting go of the hard memories of me being drunk dad when I instead should’ve been present and attentive with my kids. I forgive myself for not being the best dad I could’ve been. I forgive myself for ever thinking that alcohol and kids is a working combination for me, even if it obviously isn’t.
I let go and I forgive myself. The ONLY reason I can do that is because I know that as long as I don’t drink I will be in control and will not do those mistakes again. And I forgive myself because I know that even though I did stupid things in the past - the future holds me in my fullest potential without uncontrollable mishaps and regrets.
I let go. And I know that instead of forgiving myself in the future - I will be proud of myself.
Onwards and upwards, comrades!

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