Day 108: Be gentle with me

Be gentle with me - because I meant you no harm. I thought I was in control and could have alcohol close to me and still see you. I though alcohol could enhance my senses and make our moments together better. I thought that alcohol could make me experience the love I feel for you stronger and deeper and more sincere. I thought that my life with you could only be fulfilled if we could share a bottle of wine together. I thought that alcohol could be the bridge we together could tread over the boring parts of life like a magical all around fix when everyday life felt dull.
Please be gentle with me - because I was fooled to believe all those things. In reality alcohol was not the magical happy elixir that I thought. It made me egoistic and made me forget you. It made us lonely even though we were sleeping in the same bed. It made us quarrel about pointless things. It made me say things that hurt you. It made me push you away when you wanted to be near and help me. It made us stop believing in us because it erased all our options except from me sitting there alone in the sofa drinking.
Please be gentle with me, because I was not strong enough to protect you from any of that. Be gentle with me because I thought that I was in control and thought that I loved you when I actually loved alcohol more. Please, be gentle with me when I promise to do better from now on.
I will be gentle with you because I understand that it will take time for you to trust me. Words can not mend what I have done - only my actions when I slowly restore my trust day by day. There is no spell I can cast to make all the bad memories go away, all I can do is to slowly replace the bad memories with new ones.
I long for the day when I can look into your eyes and see that you trust me again and that your love for me is restored. All my struggles are fueled to experience that. I will not ask for it but slowly wait for it.
Right now, what carries me through is that moment. Be gentle with me - as I will be gentle with you.

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